On my quest to “get myself together,” I became overwhelmed with where to start, what changes will I actually stick to and what makes me think I am going to change my habits this time.
My motivation is often short-lived, my self-doubt rolls in, and I find myself doing pretty much the same things I have always done and wishing for different results. We all know the definition of insanity…doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, but I think my issue is more once I make a change or two and nothing major really happens, I just slide back to what is easiest. Which just leaves me feeling bad about myself and deciding I must just be lazy.
Sometimes, maybe I am just a little lazy, and I think for me lazy looks like what feels comfortable. For example, I know I need to get clothes in the washing machine and then just fold them while watching T.V. – but my bad habits will come bouncing in telling me that it’s perfectly fine to not want to do the laundry and that I am allowed to just chill and watch T.V.
Well, of course I am “allowed” to enjoy watching T.V. without doing something productive, but when my husband or child is looking for clothes/underwear/socks – I immediately feel guilty. The problem is that guilty often comes out like, “Well, I’m sorry I haven’t done your laundry” or “Maybe if you ever helped …”
I tend to go on the defense and project that onto others when really they were just simply looking for clothes. No one said they couldn’t believe I didn’t have the laundry washed, folded and put up. I simply felt bad about myself (and even more so now that I don’t have a traditional job).
I feel bad that I am pushing 42 and have yet to develop—or stick to—any kind of legit laundry routine. Subconsciously, I think I decided that I am just not one of those people that can stick to a routine that involves things like every Sunday being a day that all the sheets and towels get washed. Somewhere along the line I decided that was not realistic because there will be times where that can’t get accomplished. Yet instead of just dealing with those situations when they arise, I “plan ahead” and just throw the entire idea of a routine out the window. In case it’s not clear, that is not working out so hot for me so far.
I randomly came across a book online that caught my attention. The name of the book is Atomic Habits and it is written by James Clear. Now, let me stop and tell you I have at least 5 books in my possession that I want to read. I am in the midst of reading at least 3 of them – whenever the mood strikes. Sigh.. So, I guess I found it appropriate to keep trying to make myself read the one about developing better habits.
I’ve only picked it up 5 or more times before actually making my way through multiple chapters in one setting. I do believe part of the issue is my cute little ADHD and issues with staying focused–OR is it that I just lack the appropriate amount of motivation? Or…am I just lazy? What is my problem and why can’t I just start making some better choices that turn into better habits?
So, my inner nerd surfaces and I begin taking notes from the book. I was always pretty good at school, and I find that writing things down reinforces information for me and helps me sort of make my own sense of the information. It’s terribly time consuming, but I have realized if I want to really get the most out of a book that leans more towards self-help—I will have to approach it as if it is a class I am taking where it’s crucial to actually understand the concepts and not just read the words and hope for the best.
Because there are countless reasons people don’t sit down and read an entire book, I decided to provide you the “cliff-notes” version of the concepts I have learned so far. I am doing so in the hopes that these things will encourage you to begin thinking realistically about changing your own habits. The following list of concepts come directly from James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits:
- The backbone of this book is based on a four-step model of habits: cue, craving, response and reward.
- Cue: the cue triggers your brain to initiate a behavior. It is a bit of information that predicts the reward. (Noticing the reward.)
- Craving: cravings are the motivational force behind every habit. What you crave is most likely not the habit itself but the change in state it delivers. Think about it like this: you do not crave to smoke a cigarette, you crave the sense of relief you get. (Wanting the reward).
- Response: the response is the actual habit you perform, which can take the form of a thought or an action. (Obtaining the reward.)
- Reward: Rewards are the end goal of every habit (good and bad).
- [I encourage you to look up for yourself] a strategy referred to as “the aggregation of marginal gains,” which is the philosophy of searching for a tiny margin of improvement in everything you do.
- A very small shift in direction can lead to a very meaningful change in destination.
- Success is the product of daily habits – not once-in-a-lifetime transformations.
- You get what you repeat.
- Change can take years – before it happens all at once.
- Think about a stonecutter: they hammer away at a large rock perhaps 100 times without so much as a crack to show for it, but on the 101th blow the rock splits in two. It was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.
- All big things come from small beginnings – The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision.
- The concept of outcome-based habits (such as get my house clean) vs identity-based habits (such as become the type of person who keeps a clean house.)
- Thinking about goals differently: the goal is not to read a book, the goal is to become a reader; the goal is not to run a marathon the goal is to become a runner; the goal is not to learn an instrument, the goal is to become a musician.
- Take for example the following things many people (consciously or subconsciously) attach to their own identity:
- I’m terrible with directions
- I’m not a morning person.
- I’m bad at remembering people’s names.
- I’m always late.
- I’m not good with technology.
- I’m horrible at math.
When you repeat a story to yourself for years, it is easy to slide into these mental grooves and accept them as a fact. [My personal interpretation of this is to remember I have bad habits, but I am not a bad person. I am not my bad habits and my bad habits are not unchangeable.]
- The biggest barrier to positive change at any level—individual, team, society—is identity conflict.
- Your identity emerges out of your habits. When you write each day, you embody the identity of a writer. When you train each day, you embody the identity of an athletic person. When you make your bed every day, you embody the identity of an organized or tidy person.
- The word identity was originally derived from the Latin words essentitas, which means being, and identidem, which means repeatedly. Your identity is literally your “repeated beingness.”
- New identities require new evidence: Decide the type of person you want to be. Then, prove it to yourself with small wins.
- BJ Fogg developed an implementation strategy called the “Tiny Habits” program; James Clear expands on this concept as “Habit stacking.” According to Clear, habit stacking examples look like:
- Meditation: After I pour my cup of coffee each morning, I will meditate for one minute.
- Exercise: After I take off my work shoes, I will immediately change into my workout clothes.
- Gratitude: After I sit down to dinner, I will say one thing I’m grateful for that happened today.
- Marriage: After I get into bed at night, I will give my partner a kiss.
- Safety: After I put on my running shoes, I will text a friend of family member where I am running and about how long it should take.
- The key is to tie your desired behavior into something you already do each day.
- More examples of general “habit stacks”:
- Exercise: When I see a set of stairs, I will take them instead of using the elevator.
- Social skills: When I walk into a party, I will introduce myself to at least one person I don’t know.
- Finances: When I want to buy something over $100, I will wait twenty-four hours before purchasing.
- Healthy eating: When I serve myself a meal, I will always put veggies on my plate first.
- Minimalism: When I buy a new item, I will give something away.
- Mood: When the phone rings, I will take one deep breath and smile before answering.
- Forgetfulness: When I leave a public place, I will check the table and chairs to make sure I don’t leave anything behind.
The above concepts by James Clear really got me thinking and my hope for this article was to get you thinking as well. Don’t let your long-standing habits trick you into thinking that is who you are. Decide you want to make some small changes and then look for resources and suggestions on how to do so. Silence the voice in your head that tells you you have already tried to change these things and there really isn’t a reason to believe you can change them now at “x” age.
Make one change today: refer back to the examples of habit stacking above and incorporate your own specifics. Just give it a try and go from there! You are the only thing in your way.