Letters to James

I lost my son, James, on August 7, 2010. The worst day of my life. I won’t go into too many details right now, but he was only 9 weeks old and one morning he didn’t wake up. We just happened to be out of town, in a hotel, for a family reunion of sorts. There were no warning signs; he was perfectly healthy as far as we know. SIDS/SUID: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome/Sudden Unexpected Infant Death. Undetermined. Unknown.

Broken: that is what it left me.

I started a journal in September of 2010 where I wrote to James and expressed my grief, my pain.. my utter disbelief that he was really gone.

I am starting a series of writings that will all fall under a category called, “Letters to James.” Over time, I will share excerpts from my journal from years past and add new letters moving forward. It is my hope that reading these will help those who have also lost children. It’s an unimaginable pain—hence why so many feel compelled to tell us or say out loud: “I just can’t imagine.”

Yeah…neither can we. Even still. It’s like a nightmare that you never wake up from, but you are expected to move forward in life as if it didn’t suck the life right out of you. As if it didn’t make you question EVERYTHING you ever knew, believed…..dreamed about…prayed for.

It’s one of those things that is a turning point in life. It became, “before James died” and “after James died.”

Life changed that day and took a completely different course than what I had prepared myself for. Like most people, I never dreamed that we would experience this level of gut-wrenching tragedy. I think if I am being honest, I subconsciously thought that since my family is “good people,” we would dodge things like this. Sounds silly, but I think many of us who have lost a child would admit we just didn’t feel we “deserved” this kind of pain. Of course, who deserves any kind of pain. Well, don’t answer that—my first thought goes to anyone involved with dog-fighting and money-driven dog breeders…but I digress.

September 1, 2010

My dear precious, James, where do I begin? I love you and miss you more than words can express. I often feel as if my heart is going to explode because it hurts so bad. Sometimes I think I am coping pretty good and then I burst into tears when it hits me yet again that you are gone.

Most people that know me pretty well know that I always wanted to have a little boy—that is, when I finally decided I was in fact going to have children. Crazy as it seems to me now, there was actually a time where children seemed to annoy me. Babies crying in a restaurant irritated me—and now I would give anything to stay up for days straight with you crying the whole time.

Don’t get me wrong, your sister Lucy and you are the best gifts I have ever received. However, when I saw that faint line on a pregnancy test, I would be lying if I didn’t say I hoped for a boy this time.

I took many pregnancy tests before I started to get too excited. In fact, before I even got a positive home pregnancy test, I had gone to the doctor because I wasn’t feeling well and was asked if there was any way I could be pregnant. My response was that we weren’t really trying, but we weren’t trying to prevent it either—to which the doctor responded, “So basically you’re trying?” I remember kind of laughing because I was ready to have another, but your dad thought we should wait a little longer.

The doctor asked if I would be happy if I were in fact pregnant and without hesitation I said yes. He decides to do a blood pregnancy test (because I told him I had taken two home pregnancy tests, and both were negative) and went on to explain that this type of test could detect pregnancy earlier and with more certainty that the home tests. (In my mind, I truly already thought I was pregnant). So, they do the test and tell me it will take a few days to get the results.

Well, patience is something I am still working on and I decided to take more home pregnancy tests in the meantime. I started to see VERY faint lines and half-way thought I was just seeing things because I wanted it to be positive. Over those couple of days, I would test again and again and now I was seeing a darker line, and I was 99% sure I was definitely pregnant.

The same day I saw the darker positive line, that had me convinced that I was in fact pregnant, the nurse from the doctor’s office called. She told me they had the results and it was negative. I remember vividly her telling me, “Sorry, not this time. I know you were hoping to be.” I was stunned. How could this be? I had just taken a test that day that looked very positive to me. I remember thinking what in the world is going on.

The nurse told me the blood tests were the most accurate and can detect pregnancy hormones much earlier than home tests—so I was really confused at this point. I sat there thinking about how she said with such certainty, “It was negative…not this time.” I tell your daddy what the nurse said and showed him the positive test I had taken. I could tell by the look on his face when he saw the home test that he was thinking what I was thinking—it sure looked like a definite positive pregnancy test..which had to mean I really was pregnant!

I know I took at least one or two more tests before I called my OB/GYN’s office. Each time the positive results seemed to appear faster and the line looked darker. I knew in my heart I was pregnant although it did bother me that the blood test didn’t pick it up. When I talked to the nurse at the OB/GYN’s office, I told her about the negative blood test yet all the positive home tests. She went on to tell me that the home pregnancy tests are very accurate these days, but she was also concerned about the negative blood test. She set me up an appointment to have a sonogram that would tell us for sure.

Like a crazy person, I took MORE pregnancy tests. Every test from then on only had me more excited and nervous, happy and scared about the reality that I was going to have a toddler and a new baby! Was I crazy??

Your daddy seemed worried and maybe scared. He is the one who keeps up with the bills and all of our financial stuff and can’t help but begin to worry about how we were going to afford another baby and daycare for two—but I know he was starting to get excited too. He just wants to be able to provide everything we would need to bring a new baby into our lives.

Before my scheduled appointment for the sonogram, your Gigi and I decided to go shopping one Saturday. We went to Khol’s and we were looking at clothes for Lucy—and I kept on burping.

The first few times Gigi didn’t seem to think much of it…then I bent down to pick something up and got dizzy standing back up. After a few more burps, Gigi asks me flat out, “Are you pregnant?” (Funny how moms just seem to know things.) I told her she wasn’t supposed to ask those questions and began to look away and pretend to keep looking at clothes—but, of course, I was dying to tell her now. I mean she asked, right?

I had wanted to wait until we knew for sure, but I quickly told her I was pretty sure I was. I still couldn’t believe she called me out on it before I had a chance to tell them in some creative or sweet way. You see when I found out I was pregnant with Lucy I called Gigi and Buggy. I know…. who calls their parents to tell them news like that when we only live about 15 minutes apart?

I was hoping to do better this time, but when Gigi asked me, I could hold it in any longer! Gigi didn’t say a whole lot after I told her—maybe because I hadn’t been to the doctor yet and she didn’t want to get too excited yet, but when we left the store we went to Corner Bakery for lunch. We both got salad and tomato basil soup. She offered to pay for mine saying she might be feeding her new grandbaby—and smiled at me (and looked as if she was glowing.)

Finally, the day came to go to the doctor. I am pretty sure daddy met me there and we nervously walked in and waited to be called for the sonogram. When they called my name, I think I almost ran to the door. I just was so ready to have it confirmed that I was pregnant.

As she began to do the sonogram my heart was racing—and pretty quickly we could see on the monitor that you were in fact beginning to grow inside of me. We heard your heartbeat at that very first appointment and joy swept over me. Hearing your heartbeat sent chills all over me and although your dad still looked worried about what we were in store for—I could see the joy on his face as well.

To be continued….