Gaslighting. You’ve probably heard the term, but you might not have ever sat down to think about what you have experienced yourself—and how it has affected you.
I believe, in many cases with family members, the gaslighting has been happening for so long that you know something is wrong, but you almost can’t put your finger on it. We often say, “Well, that is just how they are” or “Why should I expect anything different?”
Because we should expect our loved ones to be different! Loved ones aim to understand; gaslighting aims to distort the truth and diminish your feelings.
So what is gaslighting, really? If you do a quick Google search, this is what I found right off: “Emotional manipulation and insensitivity to your feelings are signs of gaslighting.” The particular article that I glanced at mentions that many people assume they don’t know what gaslighting really is or if it has happened to them because it is a form of mental manipulation and emotional abuse that isn’t always obvious that is what is going on.
In my experience, it’s even harder to call someone out on it. I think the main reason for that is – a person that does this loves to play the victim.
It’s much easier to victimize yourself than admit your faults. To deny the impact of your actions. To brush off years of manipulation. To counter with disbelief and dismissal.
According to clevelandclinic.org, “Gaslighting gets its name from the 1938 British play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation Gaslight. Both focus on an abusive husband and his efforts to convince his wife she’s lost her mind.”
An example of how I interpret gaslighting is when someone disagrees with you about a past situation (past could be 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago) and makes you question what you know to be true. It can get tricky when you remember something really affecting you, but the other person “doesn’t remember” things going down like that at all. This is usually followed by either some version of trying to make you feel guilty for “only remembering the bad things,” or “you always take things the wrong way,” or one of my personal favorites, “ Oh, you are just sensitive.”
For the love of all that is holy, don’t ever tell someone they are “just sensitive” when they are trying to tell you how you have hurt them in some way. Sometimes, we are just trying to tell someone what a situation felt like to us, how hurtful their actions were/are only to be lead down a path of all the many things you should be thankful for that this person has done for you.
You can absolutely be appreciative of all the nice things someone has done for you, all the things they did “over and beyond” for you – and still be manipulated and gaslighted to the full extent.
Have you ever been talking to a family member or a good friend, and they list out for you all the things they have done for you? Some examples can include: cooking you dinner, taking you to pick up your car from the shop, taking you to extracurricular activities, covering for you if you are late, taking you to your sports games, going without fancy things in order to buy you things.
When someone feels the need to make a list of what they have done for you – really that, if nothing before, is a major red flag.
When someone loves you, they WANT to do nice things for you. They aren’t looking to hang on to those things and build up resentment about how you don’t appreciate them enough. They don’t hurt you and then cut off any conversation you ever try to have with them about why you are hurt. They don’t tell you that you are overreacting. They don’t tell you that they don’t remember things happening the way you describe them. They don’t tell you that they hope you will learn forgive them — when they have yet to genuinely apologize.
They don’t try to convince you that someone else is not a good person or treated them wrong and want you to join in with their opinions. They don’t dismiss your feelings. They don’t cut you off and say “we should talk when you calm down.”
A person who loves you, or at least cares and respects you, will not try to flip your pain and hurt around and make you question it. They will not leave you wondering, even if for a second, if you are the problem. If maybe you don’t remember things correctly. Make you wonder if you are making a bigger deal out of something than you should. Make you wonder if you should just concede.
A person who loves you will not do those things. A person who loves you will want to listen to you and understand things from your point of view. A person who loves you will never use gaslighting to help themselves sleep at night.
So, learn to open your eyes and listen to how people, who say they love you, treat you in reality. Remember that no amount of gifts or cards or flowers or candy – will make how they treat, or treated, you be okay. Consider that if someone refuses to hear you out on a situation that has affected you deeply, did they ever, genuinely…selflessly, love you to begin with? Or did they maybe just love the idea of you?
Sometimes…the best way to protect yourself moving forward is to put space between you and that person. Don’t respond to texts that range from wanting to spend time with you to listing out the things they have done for you to questioning why you won’t make time for them.
Learn the signs. Stand up for yourself – even if that means simply not engaging with them anytime they try to dismiss your feelings or push guilt on you. They are the problem, not you.
Learn to understand what others are doing to you and then love yourself more than trying to understand the why. Learn to protect your peace.
Learn what not to do to those you love.