September 11, 2010
James, I miss you so bad it feels like I can’t breathe. I go in your room and cry so hard–smelling the few dirty clothes I hadn’t washed before we went to Auburn. I stand at your closet full of clothes that you will never, ever wear. There is a bib in your closet that says “Daddy’s little helper” –seeing it is like having someone stab me right in the heart.
Your binkie is still in your crib–I still can’t take it out… as if you are coming back. I sat in the rocker/glider tonight that I fed you in many times in the middle of the night—but as you know, now my arms are empty.
Daddy asked me tonight what he could do to help me and I told him I just don’t feel like living anymore. Just in the sense that I can’t see moving forward being possible. He reminded me we still have our precious Lucy and how much she needs us. I know she does, buddy, but I also need you.
I looked at the video camera tonight, by myself. I watched your first bath. I cried so hard I could hardly breathe. You were so adorable. I remember how tired I used to be at night–especially when I went back to work–and would groan at the thought of giving you and your sister a bath. What I wouldn’t give now to give you a million baths. Daddy and I would talk about how great it would be when you got big enough that we could bathe you and Lucy together—now that will never happen.
I will never take you swimming or to the park. I will never get to take you to the beach or play in the snow. I won’t get to dress you up for Halloween or show you off at Thanksgiving. I will never even get to buy you one single Christmas present. No Easter egg hunting; no birthday parties. No first day of Kindergarden. I always dreamed of you playing sports–not going to happen now. No high school graduation — college — or wedding. I am so angry.
September 12, 2010
I love you, James. I miss you so much and I just can’t bring myself to do anything with your room. When I open your door—it smells of you. I believe you are watching over me and I pray that I would be blessed with “signs” of your presence to give me strength and comfort.
Please watch over your sister as she is confused and knows mommy and daddy are sad. I ready many Bible verses tonight online that speak of grief. That helped me as I know you are in Heaven and because I believe and have faith — I too will join you in Heaven one day.
I spoke to Cathy Files today [MS SIDS Alliance]; she lost her baby Anna Claire 12 years ago–but she gave me hope. She did go on to have another child. I know God has placed her in my path for guidance. Again, I ask for you to come visit us in our dreams. We miss you so much! Good night, my love.
I Love You Amanda. Though I don’t know how it feels to lose a small child I do know how it feels to lose a child that grew up to be a Great Christian Man, husband, big brother to his sister, and a father that never got to see his daughter grow up, and most of all my son that I Love and Miss him everyday. God let’s me know that he is watching over all of his family that he had to leave behind when I see and talk to his daughter and my granddaughter and all of her mannerisms that are just like her daddy, and so many other ways. God gives us the strength and courage to continue to go on because that’s what they would want us to do until we see each other again and we will.
I love you, too, Uncle John. I know that you know all-too-well what the pain is like after losing a child. It’s bittersweet to think that both our sons are together in Heaven. Thank you for reading and commenting–it means so much to me and I truly appreciate the support. (All the comments and “likes” help more people see my posts and find my website; it’s extremely helpful and very appreciated.) It was very encouraging to read what you wrote and to reenforce that God does give us the strength and courage to continue on because they would want us to, and we WILL see each other again. Love ya!
Thank you for expressing publically some of the same ‘feels’ I have experienced. You are so much braver than I am. Your courage amazes and inspires me. ❤️🙏❤️
Yes, there are things that I have written and posted that if I spend too much time thinking about–I would almost change my mind and take them down. I think, though, that people don’t want to just see how it all works out and how you can be happy—they need to see the heartache and the raw pain as well. It is my hope that if I share my innermost thoughts and pain …then maybe as I share my stories of hope and happiness they will “hit” differently (as the kids say). I know for me when I know someone is telling the truth about the not so good things about themselves, I will listen a little more intently when they talk of the light that shines through the cracks of their lives.