Letters to James (6): Signs from above

September 13, 2010

Wow, James! Mommy just had a total meltdown: it started with me trying to unload the dishwasher and your bottles and things were not in there. Then I put up a pot in a drawer right by the counter where we used to put your bottles to dry. Then I put up a plate in the cabinet and behind the strip of wood where you close the door, I saw an old Lucy toy, but as I reached for it my hand came upon a binkie.

Clear on the outside with a blue circle on the front. I just wept. I went outside. I just wanted to run away.

Daddy asked me what was wrong….and I let him throw it away. He thought I was mad he hadn’t found it sooner and gotten rid of it, but really, I was just so sad you weren’t here to use it.

Then I texted your Aunt Jen Jen about what happened as I thought she might understand more, and this is what she said: “As far as finding things…you have to think…he is most likely making you see those things you didn’t see before; almost as his way of saying, Hey, I’m here and I’m okay. I promise.” She went on to say, “You should keep a little chest or box with all the little things you find and date them.“

So, I get the binkie out of the trash and put it in a little Ziplock for now and date it–then I came to sit in your room and write to you. As I open up this very journal, I was blown away at what I wrote just last night—and totally forgot what I wrote. I said that I believed you were watching over me and I prayed I would be blessed with “signs” of your presence to give me strength and courage.

Wow. I stand in awe. The more I think about it, there was no reason that binkie should have been there, and Daddy and Aunt Sarah tried to clear out most everything like that from the kitchen before I came back home.

That had to be you! Giving me a sign just like I asked for! Thank you, son, Mommy will now try to be excited when I find your signs and not so sad. I can’t wait to see what you will show me next. I just blesw you another kiss. Please continue to help me, baby. I hurt so bad even though I know you are okay.

September 14, 2010

Hey buddy-buddy! Mommy and daddy went to compassionate friends tonight–a support group for anyone who has lost a child. I shared our story including finding the binkie and believing that was a sign from you just as I had asked for. We miss you so much and I am so blessed to have so much support from family and friends.

Your daddy is so strong, and I thank God he is my husband and yours and Lucy’s daddy. It felt good to tell our story tonight and listen to other and know we are not alone. I think I may starting trying some half-days at work on Monday. Also, even though it pained me at first until I realized what happened — I am going to continue to ask you for signs of your presence. Anything — a dream — a vision– anything! I love you so much and I still wish I could have heard you say “mama,” but I could see in your eyes you knew who I was; you knew my scent like I know yours. Please visit daddy too and Lulu and Gigi and Bug, etc. We still hurt so bad and want reassurance that you are okay and that you can hear us talk to you. Goodnight my chunk. Mama loves you always.