Have you ever really thought about how important it is (to most people) to feel validated?
I am not suggesting that it is anybody’s responsibility to make sure we all feel validated for every little thing but consider that you may be looking at validation in only one light. For example:
Friend 1: “I am so pissed off at my husband for not listening to me last night when I was trying to explain to him everything going on at work and all the drama and…”
Friend 2: “Girl! Don’t I know! Mine does the same thing—you have every right to be pissed at him!”
Compared to something like…
Friend 1: “I wanted to share with you that I got some news at the doctor that I am really worried sick about and pretty scared to-be-honest.” (Friends goes on to explain some test results and potential surgery.)
Friend 2: “Oh GIRL! Don’t be worried!! You are going to be just fine. People have that all the time and it’s no big deal. The surgery is so routine now.”
In the second situation, friend 2 really does think they are being helpful and comforting. I guess there’s a chance that it might be what a few need to hear. In fact, maybe most of us would even think that is exactly what we need to hear, but don’t understand why it stings so much.
It stings because when we share our feelings and our fears with someone, we trust them to receive the information with care. The vast majority of us might think (or at least hope) most people really do have the best intentions—which may be true a lot of the time, but here’s the deal: validating a friend’s fears and worries should come as natural to us as it is to validate being pissed off at their significant other.
Consider what opening up to someone about a health concern, only to have them immediately dismiss your fears, feels like. We all can see when a person fully believes they are doing the best thing for you–but they really aren’t.
They are making you question your own feelings and reactions to your own personal situation! That’s not what friends do, but it’s very often how friends react. I have absolutely done it, more than once, and likely – without taking enough pause, will unfortunately do again in the future. We are human, but as humans, should we not aim to be better ones? Sure, that sounds a bit cliché’, but if your desire hangs out anywhere around wanting to be a decent person, wanting to say the right thing or even just not wanting to be an asshole—maybe consider how quickly you react to things shared with you. Consider a pause before you unintentionally dismiss fear about something that may be a big deal to the person sharing that personal information with you.
When someone shares health concerns, your first thought might be: I have another friend who went through that, and they were just fine! I’ll tell them that and that will make them feel better; they will definitely worry less now. When you look at it that way, it seems silly doesn’t it? It seems more obvious as to what is wrong with that approach. What we often don’t think about (faster than our mouths anyway…) is that maybe the friend really just needed to unload a little of their burden. Maybe they just wanted to have it validated that it’s okay to be scared. Maybe they simply needed to confide in a friend, so they aren’t alone in their own head creating more fear.
I think what happens is many people are programmed to feel every emotion and also feel other people’s emotions to an extent. Call it being an empath, call it being intuitive –but you get my drift. I tend to feel that way while many people believe they just aren’t wired to connect to people on that kind of level. However, I think everyone is capable of this if they were just willing to try. Remember, just because you think you are doing the right thing, the helpful and supportive thing—maybe you are actually making them feel worse. Maybe they just need you to say, “I am so sorry and that has got to be scary.”
Don’t brush off anyone’s fear(s) – just sit there, in it, with them. Not everything will be okay every time something bad comes up. Those bad things are the cracks of life we all encounter. Some are really big cracks, and some may actually be smaller, but seem pretty damn big at first.
I totally get that there are many other factors surrounding when someone lays something kind-of heavy on you. Maybe it’s time – like they tell you at the very end of a workday or a lunch outing. Maybe you really do not have a clue what to say and word-vomit just comes out. It happens to all of us.
Just pause. Understand that validating someone’s feelings is much more helpful than potentially making them question themselves and maybe feeling worse than before they chose to tell you in the first place. Can you still screw this up? Absolutely. Done it a million times…sigh. However, I fully believe it’s easier to crawl back from accidently saying, “I completely understand,” (because none of us completely understand what another person is feeling), than saying, “Oh my gosh—you got this. Don’t worry so much!”
We are all so different and it probably sounds naive to suggest we worry much about how we react to people, especially in this “cancel-culture” world we live in today. It can be tricky not wanting to offend anyone or say the wrong thing unintentionally, but the thing is, you really don’t ever know what someone is going through. You might not realize how pivotal that conversation with them (or lack thereof) may be. Sometimes their fear goes much deeper (and is much more rational) than meets the eye.
I think all we can do is try to learn—desire to learn, along the way. If you really think about it, validating others’ feelings isn’t that hard. You just make a conscious effort to do it and believe me, it does make a difference. It helps others’ never feel like they aren’t allowed to feel what they feel.
You never know, you might have helped show them a little bit of light peeking through those cracks.