With today being the first day of school for my kids I can’t help but think about the bumpy road I’ve been on the past 8 months.
When we found out my dad’s cancer was back (and had spread) last October, my whole world started to crumble. When anything has gone wrong (or if everything was going right) my dad was always there to lean on. He was always there with a big smile and a twinkle in his eye. When we lost him on January 31st of this year, none of us have really been the same since.
Not every day is awful and I do my best to not wallow around in the immense pain that came with his absence – but like so many other things he will miss now, he missed being sent his grandkids first-day-of-school pictures. It’s a blessing and a curse how quickly I feel his absence with each and every milestone event or really just any moment at all that includes my kids.
I know he would not want me to be sad and I do believe that in some way he is able to look down – but as we all know, it’s just not the same. He was always so proud of how well they do in school and always so interested in their activities. He would love to hear about Lucy’s mock trial and ask her how her car (that he got her) was holding up. He would be beside himself excited about William playing football this year and laughing at the stark difference in his lack of concern for school compared to Lucy’s laser sharp focus on remaining the top of her class.
I would love to tell him about how I am so scared about how grown Lucy is and how close we are to her being gone off to college. He would reassure me and tell me how great this year and next, and so on, will be and help keep me focused on the positive. How to just be happy and excited for her vs starting to feel sad and worried about what life looks like with her not here every day. He would gently encourage me to have William get some normal sleep hours at night and keep up with his assignments while checking to be sure Lucy was trying to not stress too much about keep 100 averages in advanced classes.
He would also remind to me to just simply enjoy every moment. To soak it all up and be thankful. To focus on my blessings, not my worries.
So that is what I am going to try to do. I am going to try and enjoy every moment of this school year and take it all in stride. The good, the bad, the ugly and the simply wonderful moments. It takes my breath away to think about how fast time goes by and how different each school year looks, but I plan to channel my dad this year. I will do my best to channel the positive happy-go-lucky spirit he always had…his love of life despite the ups and downs. I will do my best to reassure the kids that everything will be okay and remind them how amazing they are – just like he always did.
My prayer is that while I am doing that, he will help remind me that I am doing okay too. Remind me that I am still his little dah-ling and that I’m doing a better job of taking care of his Lou and Will-ham than I want to give myself credit for. Remind me that our Bug will always be with us …cheering us on.
❤️