Depression looks different on everyone

It can be hard to explain how feeling depressed feels. I can promise you it doesn’t always look like someone curled up in a ball crying in the dark. It also doesn’t necessarily look like the stick figure person you have seen on commercials for depression meds that walks around with a rain cloud over their head. It might feel like staring blankly out a window and feeling a bit of nothing.

For me it often feels like a heaviness that is hard to explain. It’s like my body literally feels heavy and the world feels heavy at the same time. I swear sometimes I feel like if I don’t have something stressful or terribly sad happening, I should just feel down anyways because something must be coming. That’s a terrible way to feel and I have realized over the years that many people will just say you have got to stop thinking that way. Well, that sounds lovely and if it were always that easy, no one would ever struggle with depression. Right? If this never happens to you, consider yourself lucky—but also consider this is a real thing that could be happening to someone you love even if you don’t understand it yourself.

At times, I can want so badly to just put a smile on my face and feel happy. I’m telling you though, it’s not that easy. There are days I feel like I need some scotch tape to hold up each side of my mouth in a smile position so people won’t worry or just think I am some grumpy mid-life woman who is always a bit fussy.

Last night my husband and I stayed up until 4 in the morning watching a Netflix series called “How to get away with Murder”. (Ironic when I think about it, but I can assure you no one is going to get hurt, haha.) Now, I realize that staying up until 4 in the morning when you are “over the hill” seems silly, but honestly, sometimes when I am enjoying myself and the company I am with – I feel happy and I want to just sit in that feeling as long as I can. Because I don’t have to be anywhere at a particular time anymore, I told my husband I’d get up at 6 with the kids this morning because I can go back to sleep for a bit while he starts work at 8.

Sounded like a decent plan so after I got the kids off I laid back down. When I rolled over the first time and saw the clock say 9:30 I thought…nah..I want a little more sleep and happily rolled over feeling blessed that I get to do stuff like that now. When I rolled over again and it was…much later….I felt embarrassed and worthless. Just like that. I know it’s easy to say I shouldn’t feel bad, but the worst part is feeling bad and feeling like I could just stay in bed anyway. Feeling like I have to give myself a pep talk just to get into the shower because it feels like too much effort at the time.

I’m always hopeful that a shower will “cure” these feelings when they occur and I do think it usually helps, but it can also feel like just being a “washed-up” version of me—in both senses of the phrase.

Yes, I take some meds and have for a while now, but they can only do so much. Not to mention the inner struggle I think many of us have with being on meds. I can’t tell you how many times I have felt down simply because I take meds to not feel down. Now that’s a real pickle.

I can actually say that despite how having to take meds can make me feel, it’s best for all involved if I just stick with it. I worry that if I came off things, it would just be worse and the last thing I want to do is make things harder on my family by trying to be “tough” and see how I do without being on anything. I go round and round about meds and if you take anything yourself you likely have done the same. Especially if you have been feeling pretty-okay for a while and just want to feel like that on your own. Sigh. It’s tough and all I know to say on this is to listen to yourself and those you know that care about you. Sometimes being on the meds is the best idea even if you have to fight off the demons that try to tell you that you are pathetic for not being able to “act normal” without them.

Yeah, being a little crazy is hard work! I do believe that we are all a little crazy though. Some of us show it with outbursts and crying, some of us feel the need to stay in bed, and some people show it by being super-controlling and bossy. I think the later comes from a place of feeling like you can’t control what has happened to you in the past so you try to control anything you can. This isn’t usually how my depression manifests, but I have come to realize that other people cover up their past trauma and issues with a forced sense of control.

Keep that in mind – depression doesn’t look the same on everyone. Remember that depression or depression-like symptoms are not something that most people can just easily snap out of or even explain. Trying to tell someone you feel down…and heavy…and maybe even a little hopeless….is not an easy thing to talk about and especially if you are talking to a “fixer.” Sometimes these type of people just want to skip over the “why” and rush towards getting you out of the house or doing something you enjoy, etc. What I hope for each of you is that you find a patient “fixer.” They are the type that push you out of love, BUT give you space to feel a little low for a while. They are the ones who listen when you are ready to talk/text – even at 11 at night, but don’t take it personal or as some super-scary sign if you just don’t want to talk about it and you really just want to be left alone for a bit.

In closing, the main thing I want to convey is that you are not alone. It can feel that way sometimes, but I assure you that there are people that care about you and truly want you to be okay even if they can’t understand why you aren’t feeling okay. Work on figuring out ways to express your feelings. I know not everyone feels inclined to write down their thoughts, but I will always encourage others to try. You can write stuff down and then crumble it up and throw it away, but at least you got to say how you feel without being interrupted and without unsolicited advice.

You can also consider sharing your thoughts with someone under the pretense that you don’t want feedback, you just want someone to listen and know how you feel. I don’t have any professional degrees in psychology or counseling, but one thing I know how to do is listen. As a person who understands that not everything is “fixable” and not everyone wants to be told everything will be okay – I do believe I have a high level of empathy. Whether you know me or I am a complete stranger, know that I am happy to listen if you want to reach out with an email. I won’t try to fix you or call your mama because you are sad. I will, however, be a person who wants to help you feel heard. Help you feel seen. Help you feel even just slightly more understood.