Friendship over the ages

Friendship can look quite different over the ages. I’d be willing to bet some of you out there have a similar outlook while others have been blessed with a knack for making and keeping friends since you popped out of the womb. No hard feelings for all you extroverted people-magnets—it’s just not like that for all of us. We kind of evolve over time as does our idea of friendship.

Let me go on say here, I am not sad nor am I am on the hunt for more friends (haha) – this is not a “woe-is-me” type piece. This is more of a reflection of friendships over the many phases of my own life. I am sharing them in the hopes that a few people can relate and know they are not alone. In the hopes that a few more people can realize the best friends you can have are yourself and your family. Yeah, I know. It comes out sounding really cheesy, but it’s the truth. My truth anyway.

When I was younger, I felt painfully shy most of the time. Both of my parents are/were pretty outgoing. They never seemed to have any problem talking to strangers or having full-blown conversations when seeing a friend out-and-about. I absolutely hated then (and pretty much now too) to be put on the spot when we ran into someone. Expected to “perform” with a cute little smile while happily going into detail about how old I was and what grade I was in and all my current interests. Torture.

I do understand this concept, to some degree, now that I am a parent. I can now (somewhat) see the concept of wanting your child to not appear to be rude by not talking or being all warm-and-fuzzy. The truth is though that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t turn me into the bubbly extrovert I perceived they wanted me to be. I was literally told, often, to “be more bubbly” by one of them. Sounds innocent enough I’m sure, but it wasn’t to me. It was unnatural and felt fake. I cannot stand it when people are fake and therefore it’s the last thing I want to be. Ok…whew. I (obviously) digress.

When we are younger, I think a lot of times the friends we had were dependent on either group settings (who was in your class in school, sports teams, dance class, boy/girl scouts and even Sunday-school) or whose moms were friends with our moms. Or both – and both likely meant you had found a best friend. It makes sense though; we didn’t have much control over our environment. As kids we often find out quickly who is going to jump in and be a leader/bossy, who is going to follow without questioning anything and those who are in-between in that they don’t want to be left out, but also don’t necessarily love the pressures and expectations of certain friendships.

It was weird. What I mean about pressure and expectations of friendships is that being the semi-loner that I can be, if I was not wanting to hang out or join in or talk on the phone, that was usually equated to being snobby or even being mean. As if not wanting to hang out or join in meant that you disliked someone vs learning that you require space and re-charging time–even if others don’t.

High school was interesting because for a lot of us, our friend group(s) had already been pretty much established. For me it was the same friends I had had for forever, plus a few extra we picked up along the way. It was also being associated with the cheerleaders when I didn’t feel I fit the cheerleader mold. Sure, there was a wider extension of people I associated with, but most all of us had already been established as a certain type of person. I mean I enjoyed that our little group was generally well-liked, and we were pretty friendly – but it made it harder to be accepted by other “types.”

For example, I went out one time in high school to a party at a guy’s house I grew up with. I felt comfortable going there as I’d been there before, and I knew lots of people were going. Well, I decided to drink some while there (as was pretty much everyone), but when I got to school on Monday it was all the talk. Or so it seemed to my sensitive self. Reality was that maybe people talked about seeing me out partying for one day and then it was over. The issue was that I was perceived as a goody-goody and so “partying” was not expected. It was then I realized it can be so hard to break away from what people have already decided about you.

College was a new experience – and while the beginning was a little scary for me in that all the friends I knew from high-school got into one particular sorority and I got into another one. Both equally good sororities, but I was now on my own. It became refreshing to find new people who didn’t think they already knew everything about me. It was exciting to basically decide who I wanted to be and who I wanted to be around without any expectations or gossip. It was a bit exhilarating, actually.

Following college, I learned to make friends as work and discovered the comradery of “work-besties.” A common agreement on things like the boss, the things we were made to do, just having to show up every day, etc. It was a new kind of friendship and one I really enjoyed once I had my little crew. I found it harder, though, to keep up with the friends I had made in college.

After I had my first child, I realized friendship can really change. When you are up all night with a baby and working full-time, friends who are not in the same place in life just cannot understand. Free time looked like naps not nights out. Shopping included looking for sales on diapers, not new shoes.

As a mom of younger kids, I started making some friends that were the moms/dads of the kids my own kids were involved with (same class, gymnastics, soccer, etc.) We could understand each other in that we had the same type things going on at home that we could fuss about and laugh and really relate. It was really nice to not be expected to be anything other than a working-mom, if you know what I mean.

Once the kids get a little bit older and are more independent, you realize that it’s okay if you aren’t besties with your kids’ besties’ parents. It doesn’t have to be a severed friendship, just a realization that your friendship may have been based primarily on often being at the same place at the same time, not necessarily tons of similar interests.

So, now I’m here at the mid-life phase and I look at friendship completely different, again! I look at it like finding “my people” and realizing that if they are “my people” they totally understand that I can care deeply about you, be interested in what you are doing and still come across as a hermit. It also looks like a best friend that is working in the room next to me (my husband) or looks like a beautiful teenage girl in the room behind me or devilishly cute tween who is likely gaming right now instead of cleaning up his room like he’s been told 89 bajillion times.

My immediate family is what friendship looks like for me right now. They know me the best. They see me cry and yell and laugh—and be completely goofy. They see me unfiltered and unrefined. You see, they are truly my people, and they mean more to me than anyone on this Earth.

My family (including my two fury children) are what true friendship looks like to me in this phase of my life and I am completely okay with that! When I feel loved for who I am at all times, appreciated for the things I am good at and never made to feel bad about myself–I have my people. They say that friends are the family we choose — I say, my family are the friends I choose.