September 8, 2010
It’s 12:19 AM, buddy-buddy so I made it through the first month “anniversary” of your death. I slept real late–forced myself to eat some left-overs for lunch and then laid back down on the couch. My body felt like it weighed several tons and I just wanted to close my eyes on the day.
Your daddy and I went to our first counseling today–we actually went to two different ones. How ironic that they both fell on the one-month anniversary of you going to Heaven. However, I’m sure it was God’s doing.
I am feeling peace tonight as I realized a little earlier this evening that so many parents have had miscarriages and never even got to lay eyes on their baby. We had you for 9 weeks. I have been so upset and angry about all the things I will never see you do–but I know there are so many out there that would have given anything to have the 9 weeks we had.
Mommy and daddy took a good many pictures of you on our phones and our camera and Gigi took pictures of you too! I have a few videos of you on my phone that I treasure–especially the one where you smile when I say your sister’s name. I haven’t yet looked at our video camera, but I know we have some video of you–including your first bath! We are so thankful for any and all memories like pictures and videos we were able to get before you left us. Of course, I still want to know WHY! Why you?
Why our perfectly healthy baby who “scored” perfect on his newborn screening test? God knew how I longed to have a little boy and for some reason he gave you to us and then he took you away…I miss you so much I can’t even put into words how I long to hold you…kiss those chubby cheeks.
I do want you to know that mommy and daddy have decided we do want to try for another baby. I don’t know when—but all of that is in God’s hands anyway. I hope you know another baby will never replace you. You will always be our second baby–our first son–our only James Caleb DuBose (aka Chunk/buddy-buddy). I know you are having the best time in Heaven and getting loved on by Nana and Mrs. June. I wish you would come back and visit me in my dreams soon….also I have seen this beautiful orange butterfly a few times now–is that you? Will you continue to send me signs you are near if you can?
Your death has definitely forced me to dig deep into my faith. Ther are still so many questions I have–but I talked to God more now.
So many things seem so trivial now –so ridiculous to even worry or care about when you realize our time here on Earth is temporary and Heaven is for an eternity. I love you, James. I just blew you a kiss–I hope you felt it.
September 9, 2010
It’s 12:18 AM and as always, I have thought about you a lot today, James. A friend of mine is having tee-shirts made in your honor and mommy and daddy are going to use the profits to give to different organizations that we want to help. Possibly MS SIDS Alliance and the Blair Batson hospital for children. I am so thankful to have a friend who wanted to do this and so proud to raise money for others in your name.
Ms. Courtney, a daycare worker that took care of you briefly and continues to take care of your sister, posted on Facebook tonight that her aunt went to be with Jesus today. I told her I sure hoped she had met you and held you and hugged you for us and she said that sounded exactly like what she would do–and kiss those chubby cheeks of yours! Lucy loves Ms. Courtney (as do we!) and even though Ms. Courtney only saw you a handful of times, I know she already loved you too.
It’s incredible to think about all the people you have met in Heaven. When I stop and think I always think of someone new–like Buggy’s dad’s mother. I am sure she has gotten her hands on you as well. Ms. Jessica at the daycare lost her mom to cancer last year and I bet she has kissed you a few times for me as well. Gigi’s good friend Mrs. Millie recently lost her husband, and I am sure he has held you, too. Have you met David–the guy daddy used to talk to all the time for work (but likely it was mostly about Ole Miss football)? He left behind a wife and two children–please make sure and look over their family. I definitely hope you have met Beau Townsend. Mrs. Townsend was my fourth-grade teacher and one of the best teachers I ever had. She lost her precious baby when he was only 6 weeks old. I hope y’all have found each other.
I am going to try and get out of bed now—mommy, daddy, Lucy and Maggie [family dog] are all going to go back to our house tomorrow. Please be with me as I learn to live in our house again–without you.
I know you will be there, but I want to be able to hold you…feed you…bathe you…and it’s going to be very hard on mommy and daddy. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight. I hope you will come tell me it will be okay and let me see your beautiful face. I love you, buddy-buddy. Just blew you another kiss–—Mommy
Thank you for reading! Yes, I definitely learned to talk to God more. It set me on a path of realizing that just because you might not see me on Sunday morning, I still have a personal relationship with Him. I don’t know how I could survive otherwise.
“I talk to God more.”
Yes! Oh, but for God! What would we, the ones who have lost children, do without Him? I cannot even fathom. By His grace we are able to move…forward-sometimes back-then always forward again. His promise of eternal life with Him, and the loved ones who made it home before we did, continues to give me and all of us, HOPE.
Thank you, Amanda. Just…thank you. I love you forever!❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙌🙌🙌