September 20, 2010
Well buddy, I went back to work today for the first time since I broke my back. The doctor is only letting me do half-days right now (which is perfectly fine with me!). It went okay….I guess. It’s so hard for mommy to see other babies right now, but my job deals with infants through children up to 5 years old (plus pregnant and post-partum women). I know this isn’t going to be easy.
I saw quite a few babies today – and yes, I was jealous that they were here, and you are not. I know you are in a better place, but I am your mom and I still wish I could hold you.
The last person I saw today had a son who was ~6 ½ months old. She was concerned about him snoring and making loud noises every time he slept. I told her to run it by her pediatrician, but some babies just make more noises than others (you grunted all the time!) Trying to continue-on like I normally would, I asked her if she heard the snoring and noises all night on the [baby] monitor. She replied, “Yeah, but that’s okay because I don’t have to worry about SIDS” as she sort-of laughed.
[There are no words to adequately express what that felt like to my already broken heart.]
That was really hard for mommy. Normally, I would have probably chuckled at her positivity through those restless nights…but I had to take a really deep breath and try not to cry. You see, right now we are waiting on your autopsy report results but have been told it looks to be SIDS.
As expected, I knew that being back at work was going to put me in some gut-wrenching situations.
I miss you so much and I am so sad you and Lucy will not grow up together—but I know you will always be watching her, and I hope you will visit her in her dreams. Maybe send her some special signs so she can always feel close to you.
As I sit here writing I just keep wondering if you are watching me right this second. Maybe you are being rocked or fed…I just wish I knew more about Heaven and what you can see from there…how often, etc. I want to know if you are still 9 weeks old or have you grown there just like you would have here on Earth? Do you already know everything that will happen in our lives from here on out?
It’s so confusing—I really want to see you as a baby when I get there, but if you remain a baby will I be able to talk to you about things and you understand? I wish we had these answers.
Maybe God will let you guide me to some kind of resource that gives a more accurate idea of Heaven. I know we can’t possibly understand or imagine it completely, but a little insight would be so comforting to me.
It’s interesting to me that the bible verse I pulled out of a medicine bottle (that a lady gave me at the Compassionate Friends support group today) says, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, he that believeth in me hath everlasting life.” [John 6:47]
I guess I needed to be reminded that as long as I stay strong in my faith and give everything to God – I will have everlasting life and that includes everlasting life with you, too!
September 22, 2010
Well James, I held an 11-month-old baby boy today at work. Of course, you probably saw me…but I didn’t cry! I smiled and played with him. I know I couldn’t have done that on my own. I felt a peace I have been seeking and I thank God (and you) for helping me. Mama loves you and I know many lives have already been changed because of you and the strength our whole family is showing to others through our faith in God.
Goodnight, my sweet angel,
Mommy
God gives we who have lost so much strength. I often times just reflect in awe at just how much He gave and continues to give me. I praise Him for that. Oh yes, I praise Him!❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙌🙌🙌