Letters to James (9): Doing our best..

September 26, 2010

Sorry it’s been several days, James. As you probably saw, I did something stupid the other night that stemmed from having too much to drink. I don’t know why I do things like that. Well, I know why. The pain is often unbearable.…

Thank you for watching over me so nothing bad happened. So many things could have … but I believe you were there, watching me in so much pain and guiding me to safety. It can be so hard to see through all the pain.

I’m sure you saw me tonight as I began to put up your clothes in a plastic tub. This is very hard for mommy. Daddy came in a few times to check on me and teared up some when he saw a camo onesie that says, “Daddy’s little side kick.”

We miss you so much. We continue to try and be strong, but just want to hold and kiss you so bad it’s unreal. Please, just continue to help me put away your room. I know I need to do this because you will never come back to that earthly room…..seeing your room is so very hard on me.

I love you and I hope you watch over all of us as we try to move forward. Until I see you again—I love you, Mommy

October 4, 2010

James! I was outside crying—missing you and just weeping over all the things you won’t be here for and I asked silently if you can hear me.

Then I saw a shooting star!

Then I said out loud, “I know scientists would say one thing – but I think that was you!” Then, almost immediately, I saw another shooting star! Thank you, buddy-buddy!! Thank you so much! I love you and I know you hear me.

October 12, 2010

Hey Buddy-Buddy,

It’s been another 8 days since I last wrote you—but not one day has gone by that I don’t think of you, miss you ….ache to hold you.

A few things have happened that I wanted to write down so I would remember:

At work one day, as a lady was leaving from my office, she asked me how many kids I have. I was stunned and speechless for a second because everyone already seemed to know we lost you. But I realized she had no way of knowing. I told her I have one here and one in Heaven.

This last Friday I had a woman with 3 kids (one was a baby boy, of course) and she was yelling at her kids and shouting at them to shut up. Once I finished their appointment, I had to close my door and I totally lost it right there at my desk. I would give anything to have you—even for one more hour. But this mom, well she seemed blind to all that she had to be thankful for.

Another lady I saw in clinic recently let me hold her precious baby boy. I told her about you, and she told me she believed there was reason we met and also told me she thought I would be pregnant again by December.

Of course, you know I have seen many more shooting stars since October 4^th when I asked if you could hear me, and I saw that shooting star and was overwhelmed with joy.

Tonight mommy and daddy went to our second Compassionate Friends meeting. I really believe it is helping us. Those wonderful people actually understand the loss of a child. They understand all the crazy – irrational thoughts we have. The ups and downs. The guilt.

I know you were there with us tonight. I cried again as I had to say your name and when you went to Heaven [at the end of the meetings we stand in a big circle and hold hands—each taking a turn to say the name of our child that we lost and the date they went Home], but yet again, God helped me speak up multiple times tonight. You know mommy isn’t a big fan of speaking up in front of larger crowds, but I truly believe He did this to not only help me, but to touch others in the room through me.

We took your pictures, for the first time…to the meeting tonight. Everyone there now has a precious face to go along with your name. I will probably take a few more next time. I want people to know who you are.

I have a tub almost filled with your clothes, but as I got to things you had worn I had to stop.

I know I need to finish, but it feels like I am packing up your life and I just get very upset putting away your things knowing you really are gone. You will never come back to wear those clothes again. It still takes my breath away.

I can’t remember now the last time you came to see me in a dream, but I would love to see you. As you know, we have been working on planning Lucy’s birthday party. It’s hard at times because I will never plan a single birthday party for you, but I try to remind myself that every day in Heaven is a celebration.

I love you so much and dream of the day I will hold you again—feel that soft hair – kiss those cheeks and smell your scent. Please continue to watch over us and allow us to feel your presence.

With endless love — Mommy