Misunderstood

Not everyone will understand you. Maybe you really don’t even fully understand yourself.

We all have to do what we have to do sometimes to protect our peace. Most would say they completely understand that. But do they? What if protecting your own peace looks like closing yourself off from the world and maybe even indulging in unhealthy self-soothing ways to temporarily ease your hurt or worry.

On the other hand, for some, protecting their own peace looks a lot like giving up on you when you need them the most, judging your effort and taking it personal. They see it as doing what is best for them – in their mind they’ve tried, you haven’t, moving on. You are left realizing you didn’t meet their time frame in regards to “getting better.” You’re also left to feel some guilt, shame and worsening depression and isolation. Maybe you should-a, could-a tried harder. Did you unintentionally hurt them while simply trying to survive? What a mess…

Guess what?! Grief, depression, anxiety, health problems, insecurity, financial worries, family issues—they do not have set time frames for when things will improve. With grief, they aren’t coming back; it stings for a long time—and time is fluid when it comes to breaking down the reality and finality of losing someone close to you. You ebb and flow. You get up; you fall down… hard. You smile at old pictures; you ugly-cry when you smell the cologne/perfume they used to wear. It’s unpredictable, just like people and their patience with you.

The idea of taking one-step forward and three steps back is all-too real. We all wish we could “hurry up” getting through the hard stuff. What I have found is that a lot of people will compare how they handled certain cracks in their lives and set those specific standards for what they expect out of you. That’s really kind of shitty.

It’s eye-opening, though. So many can’t seem to understand that our own issues are never exactly what meets the eye. For example, if your depression looks a bit like sleeping a lot and keeping to yourself, it’s about you surviving. It’s not about others getting their feelings hurt because they think you aren’t trying hard enough or don’t appreciate their efforts to reach out.

It’s not selfish and it’s certainly not on purpose. You have to learn to accept that—even if others can’t or choose not to.

It’s your depression (or anxiety, fear, etc.) and your feelings, not theirs. It may look like lazy; but it feels like pain, shame and rejection. Rejection from what you thought life was going to look like at this point. Rejection from those who misunderstand the crippling inability to “try harder.”

Puh-lease. To those people I say: you must be lucky enough that life hasn’t kicked you all the way down yet. If it had, I guarantee you, you might just fall right off that high-horse.

People – and maybe it is often subconscious, seem to decide for others what progress looks like. I wish they’d stop.

Progress is whatever it needs to be for you. Progress may look like not getting a nap during the day when there was a point it was a part of your daily schedule.

Progress may look like getting out to go to Dollar General and buying some hair-dye and candy because for a fleeting moment, that makes you happy. It makes you stop and appreciate that you don’t need $300 hair appointments to “properly” cover your gray hairs, but you absolutely DO need those extra 500+ calories from the candy to give you a short-lasting energy boost. It’s what semi-works in the moment. And that’s okay. It’s not about what makes sense to other people, it’s about taking little baby steps to find happiness that seems to be just out of reach.

You are doing the best you can. Not everyone understands what that looks like—or understands that it’s not up to them to determine. Not everyone understands that progress can look completely different from day-to-day as well.

Another thing to consider, some of us are introverts ….and maybe we use that as a crutch sometimes. (This is me… slowly raising my hand because I know it’s true sometimes.) Some of us are extroverts who may also use that as a crutch to equate their ability to reach out as being a better friend or person in general.

Think about that for a sec. Who decided what a good friend looks like? I have realized over the last several years that I respect and care about some people that I literally only interact with on Facebook. What happened is that over time I saw the things we had in common, the things that irk them or similar passions (such as helping find lost pets, donating to animal rescues or becoming a rescue-dog-mom.) I picked up on some similar life experiences and relatable pain and desperation to be understood. Without even knowing it, these people have become “my people.” Like-minded; open-minded. Not afraid to self-reflect. Not afraid to learn and grow—appreciate each other’s differences. Support each other anyway.

It’s taken some work on my end to understand that most people are not going to change. For whatever unknown reason, they think they have it figured out. If they have a handful of people who think they are wonderful, agree on parenting techniques, are similar in either being introverted or extroverted—they have already decided that some things are simply what other people should work on—not themselves.

Am I a great friend? Nope. I am not even sure I could call myself a good friend. I do call myself a good person. There’s a bit of a difference.

I like to help people and do unexpected kind things, but..I’m just as likely to forget a long-time friend’s birthday or not accept an invitation that might equal being rude and unappreciative to some. Sigh…friendship really shouldn’t be that hard. I promise you that even if you think you are a stellar friend, have tried your best, put in your effort, but eventually walk away telling yourself the other person just didn’t try hard enough…what does that say about yourself? What’s tricky is if you get a few people to agree with you, you will never question your own actions. You will only question the action, or lack thereof, of others without trying to understand the why.

Remember: who are you to judge how hard someone is trying or what trying even looks like?

In closing, do I wish I was a better friend? Of course. But that is easier said than done. (Read that one more time.) For some people—the idea of “being a good friend,” stems from whatever their childhood and adult-life threw at them and who was there for them; how they were there for them. Maybe it’s whatever their parents taught them friendship looks like or maybe the church or even a sibling. It’s their own perception and often it’s very hard to change.

What helps me move forward is stopping to look at the people who walked out, who gave up, who judged, who thought they were just giving you “tough love.” If nothing else, I learned what friendship, love, patience, grace, forgiveness and acceptance look like to me. It doesn’t always look pretty and can often be a bit messy, but when it comes from the right place – don’t question yourself. DO protect yourself.

Look around, your people are out there… and often who you’d least expect.