What’s wrong with saying “I should” or “I always?”

I don’t know about you, but I am guilty of being way too hard on myself. I don’t even want to admit that most of the time and I will likely roll my eyes at you if you try to tell me this….truth.

Because of this, I am always interested in trying to understand myself more which leads me to researching things like how we think and react—and why. Trying to peel back layers of my youth and young adult life to make sense of where I am in the present.

I came across some information on www.therapistaid.com that breaks down cognitive distortions and realized — whoa, so many of these things are things I have done all my life. So many of these things are so damaging to myself and I didn’t even realize the patterns and habits I had formed. These cognitive distortions that were/are keeping me stuck in a vicious cycle of fighting against my own powerful self-perception.

According to therapistaid.com, “cognitive distortions are irrational thoughts that shape how you see the world, how you feel, and how you act. It’s normal to have these thoughts occasionally, but they can be harmful when frequent or extreme.”

Overgeneralization: the online reference describes this as, “making broad interpretations from a single or few events. The example listed is, “I felt awkward during my job interview. I am always so awkward.”

Immediately I can recognize how I fall into this distortion all the time. I believe I am often socially awkward, so I start with that thought each time there is a social situation. It’s as if I am not even giving myself the chance to have things go just fine or truly enjoy chatting because I have already tried to convince myself that I am always socially awkward.

The same thing applies to my memory. I do believe I have some issues with short and long-term memory that are possibly from years of different medications or maybe it’s tied to the inattentive ADHD – but either way, I say things of myself like, “I can never remember anything,” or “I always forget everything.” The truth is that my memory might not be great, but it isn’t always awful. As with anything if we tell ourselves enough times…you start believing it. If you have convinced yourself of an overgeneralization, then subconsciously you begin to feel bad about yourself and even defeated.

We do this to ourselves often without even realizing the damage it is causing us.

“Should” statements: this is described as, “the belief that things should be a certain way. Example given: “I should always be perfect.”

I think I do this every day, throughout the day without even realizing what I am doing. It seems harmless enough to tell yourself you should do some laundry, you should get more exercise, but what about statements like, “I should be making more money by now,” or “I should be more social” or even “I should be doing more with my life right now?”

Advice given to me by my daughter: Instead of saying “should,” maybe try using the word “could” instead.

Emotional reasoning: this is described as, “the assumption that emotions reflect the way things really are. Example given: “I feel like a bad friend, therefore I must be a bad friend.”

Here is another one I realize I do often. I will sometimes tell myself that the art or writing I have just finished doesn’t feel “good enough” – which leads me down the path of deciding that I am not good enough at art or writing.

We have to remind ourselves that we are almost always our harshest critic; remind ourselves that our opinion of ourselves doesn’t always reflect what the world actually sees. Remind ourselves that fluctuating confidence doesn’t equal fluctuating value or significance.

Magnification and minimization: this is described as, “Exaggerating or minimizing the importance of events. You might believe your own achievements are unimportant and/or that your mistakes are excessively important.”

Well….here we go again. I am guilty of thinking that no one will ever forget the dumb things I have done. Like, ever.

I know we all do things we regret…such as, oh I don’t know… embarrass ourselves when our deepest emotions meet intoxication, and our stupidity tells us it’s totally fine to post about it on social media.

The thing is, we are all going to do stuff we wish we hadn’t, but most people desire to overshadow those mess-ups and focus more on the great qualities and achievements you have. Let them! Let them tell you that you are talented at writing and art (or whatever it is for you) and sit in that praise—even if it feels a little uncomfortable.

In closing, remember that you are not your mistakes. You have the power to change the way you think. Recognize some of the above cognitive distortions in your own life and start making some changes in the way you say things!  You are a constant work-in-progress with plenty of time to make edits, change the narrative, add/delete characters and, most importantly, plenty of time to change the ending.